YUCK?

dental check

cavities: a dilution of what used to be, the reduction of a whole. how to define a cavity when the whole keeps changing? if something is simultaneously decaying and growing, there cannot be a standard of what 100% is.

a hole is the absence of matter where its existence is expected.

but when expectations change, and the outline of the whole is altered, holes are no longer holes; they become the definitions of edges, of borders.

a new whole emerges.

that should be how i am to see myself: surely there are things to improve on, but i am me, and that is not lacking in itself. the standard for me is me. i have lost things over time, but things have been added unto me. any other composition would not be me, but someone else. 

Another

Seven years of replaying the same moments

They’ve become so skewed

What color was your cap

Sometimes it’s denim blue, but those are the times I’m not sure

It sits to one side on you as you walk down the outside of that mall, or walk up, walk (towards), and it was sunny but the heat wasn’t from the sun

And how much did I have to crane my neck

To blink at your blinks

You had long legs: when we sat, we sat eye to eye, blink to blink

I kept blinking 

And blinking 

Blink to remember, each scene chopped into segments so they play clunky and out of tune, broken piano, only the black keys, most definitely minor

Proverb my mother says: thin water flows long

I am going to decontextualize that by a million

And dam these blinks out, clunk by clunk

Until all that’s left is that heat that is not from the sun, trickles drops then none

That awkward moment when you fall in love with a piece of clothing, but then you see the price.

iwontbelabeledasaverage:

Self Inspection

My room is in constant pandemonium because I am completely capable of seeing a clutter of mess and stepping right over it. Socks, knickers and jackets mingle with food containers in little mountains scattered over the carpet, and the curving path remaining is what I travel through to navigate around. Want to leave? Find a way to the stairs.

Reflection on how I deal with the mess in my life.

Not good. 

Time for cleaning.

YeahSaturdayYeah

As usual, slept my day away.

Some room cleaning.

Watched Eli vids till I grew conscious of myself <333

walmart.com, target.com, urbanoutfitters.com, asos.com

Put nail polish in a row.

I don’t have a hanger for this? On the ground.

New curtains are very transparent and non-perv-proof.

Called my bro and gave him a lecture on how evil girls are.

Tore a page out of notebook: squiggly edges: in the trash. Repeat until not squiggly.

Strange craving for cabbage? Isn’t that like some fairy tale where the mother trades her daughter for cabbage?

Aging Shoulders

As I trudged up the stairs after the most random date with Mr. X, I realized my shoulders were drooping, like they’d suddenly become aware of gravity’s pull from earth’s core and wanted to leave me armless and groveling on this long climb.

They drooped like they will when I’m sixty seven, is what I decided.

If spending five hours with Mr. X will make my shoulders feel like sixty seven, I’m done with that shit. Is what I decided.

I just turned twenty one. I’ve got a whole life to feel young before I turn into a woman with aged shoulders.

No more dates. No more talking about your dogs, your bikes, your failed engagement. You want to hold my hand? Well fuuuuck you. Go pick on someone your own chapter of life.